Got a job interview for a minor weekend/temporary job tommorow. I'm actually split between two feelings. On one hand, i'm feeling really curious as to how it's going to work out, if i'm going to get work or not and how the whole day will plan out for me. And on the other hand, i'm really nervous. I never have really been good with jobs, and i find the whole idea of being judged as to whether you're worthy or not is really for me, what drives the whole conflict behind it.

I mean it's natural right? It's natural to feel a little nervous/excitement before opportunities like these because you want them to work out. I've decided though, that no matter how tommorow turns out, it's going to be a positive experience because i will become less nervous each time i try.

As far as today with Ismael went, i really enjoyed it so much. For once, i actually felt like i was being looked after instead of looking after which is the usual role that i take. I cant really put into words how much i really loved it. I really needed the emotional support more than ever, and he was there to give it to me. More than that, he gave me hope, reasons to trust in the future, to not give up. Again, i kind of lose my words when it comes to me and ismael.

And the movie Virgin Snow, well lets get the bad things out of the way first. The plot was flat, predictable and the pace at which the characters grew closer especially at the beginning i could not take very seriously at all. Minor quibbles aside ...

First off the directing was beautiful and poignant. There are sceneries, moments of focus that come across as moving photography. There was a particular scene with the two characters each walking on the opposite side of a thick wall, unaware that they were so close by but still looking for each other, but the wall blocked their view so they couldnt see each other.

Also there was a lot of motif's running through really subtly through the film. The fact that the two characters cannot understand each other's language gives way for the film to show their struggle to understand both the languages and ultimately each other as a very neat, poignant parallel.

I think its a story that we all know and we can perhaps relate to. We give love to something but ultimately don't receive it. It dies, and we often hope in the ghosts of ourselves for that love to be revived. The film does a good job of giving us a happy ending. I'm not usually into pretentious romantic films with an over-inflated sense of melodrama, but this film was quite different. It was smoothly executed.

Overall i feel like the film was like a piece of warm, buttered toast. Ultimately very simplistic, yet tastefully executed, and i suppose thats what gave it its taste.  

So after much listens, i've picked my favourite Niyaz song. It's Minara. Track 3 on their first album.

Niyaz is really interesting in the sense that it is the one musical group that has remained a solitary pleasure for me. I've tried to get other people into it but that has often resulted in failure.

Niyaz really describes themselves "world music for the 21st century" and thats an excellent description. I was looking for a long, long time for music that was traditional in its roots, but experimented a bit and was recorded properly and sounded modern.

"I think what we do is that we try to make music that is faithful to the traditional but also without turning it into like, pop music" - Azam Ali

What i love about this track is it has this addictive mix of tabla and electronic drumming, the rhythm changes constantly, and Azam Ali's vocals fly over the rhythm adding her middle-eastern chants and fills. It moves slowly and steadily it explodes into this faster, almost dance-like rhythm. The violins come in and it feels really intoxicating.

And then everything slows down and Azam Ali starts her rhythmical chanting again. I have no idea what she's saying. I almost get the feeling she's making up a language as she's going. The rhythm comes back in and she chants over and over, alternating pitches as the music goes on.

And then the music calms down, and all you can hear her chanting again in an even higher pitch. It sounds so magical, it almost echoes in your soul.

My experiences in dubai, doha, karachi all echo this need to realign myself with the mystical middle eastern sound. I enter a different place when i hear this music. I almost lose myself in palaces, magic carpets, veiled and robed men and women. The alluring, passionate smell of arabic perfume. It is a world that i will forever be attracted to.

Encapsulate me in your domain.
Twist the centre, let me in.
Let me shimmer unconditionally,
Shimmer in your paradise.

I have lost myself in ambience
Find me again. Draw your maps,
Trace your mystery with a finger
Show me the invisibilities.

No one will know, or shall know
That until I unlock you,
I am just a drop in your waterfall,
A coincedence waiting to happen.

Its been a while since i've written an introspective post. Or generally anything introspective at all. I guess lately, i didnt feel like i had anything to say. Its all been said, over and over again, infact when i look at my writing from the creator's perspective, all i can see is just versions of myself, repeating over and over like a stubborn echo.

I have been directing that energy inwards. Instead of letting my internal soul spill out and cause chaos, i have tried my best to keep it calm and contained. This whole year has been about that for me. It has been about controlling my chaotic, reckless personality, and turning it into something more organised and calm.

I don't know how successful i've been yet.

But i can really notice the difference. What i have personally felt is, when you envelope your life in all these varied layers of chaos, it is easy to ignore the simpler parts of your soul. The elements, the fundamentals of what makes you tick. And in some ways, it is easier that way. I find chaos and pure recklessness easy because you can start changing definitions on who or what you are. And that always comes with hypocrisy as a price, but an anarchist doesnt consider morals as part of the game. The dark beauty of it is that you can escape from the responsibility of coming to terms with how you truly feel. When you dont deal with the world on an honest basis; when everything is make believe and spur of the moment, then the world is what you want it to be. Good and Evil, Love, Hate, Passion, all of it is self invented when you embrace chaos.

But in spite of all this, there's something missing.

You feel it when you look at the innocence of kids. You see it in the wisdom that inhabits your elders eyes, the humility in which they act and tolerate you. You feel it from the people who love you as a friend, as a brother. Like particles in an atom, all that random chaotic swerving isnt just simply that. Its a small part of something bigger.

Chaos inside one's self can only exist because you believe that you are isolated and alone in this world. The whole point of living a chaotic, random life is to ignore the possibility of coming to terms with that feeling of isolation. But the truth is, our human experience is never isolated. What we do always has an effect on people around us. The more i realised that what i did made positive or negative effects on people, the more i felt that the chaos needed to come to an end. Because it wasnt just about me anymore.

So i've tried hard to keep a sense of order in my life. I try to have a set bedtime, (which, on writing this, i have gone over by 17 mins), i try to keep my appearance controlled and presentable, instead of letting it go all over the place. I try to make it on time for college and i'm always trying to be early. There's also a kind of composure i try to keep in my own mind, whenever i lose control, i try to keep it in line with some basic truths.

In doing so, my life has shrunk to the essentials. I dont feel a range of everything, but i only feel whats relevant to me. There's a time and a place for everything, even chaos. I try to keep my chaos controlled. Bit of an oxymoron, but that's how it is. I dont tend to go on my random "what if" assumptions and i try to be as honest with myself as i can.

This has done good and bad things. On the one hand, i feel like my experience has just really become enriched and rid of all the clutter and unnessecary bad karma that used to plague it years ago. I try to look on the bright side. I feel the need to have a sensitive, loving side and not be so cold and withdrawn.

On the other hand, that newfound sensitivity has its prices. I get hurt by things a lot more. I'm a lot more emotional nowadays. Instead of a random "so what, move on" approach that i took to myself in my days of chaos, now every negative experience has extra baggage attached to it. That doesnt stop me from doing what i need to do in my everyday life, but it plagues and aches my heart and i let it stay and do what it wants, before it fades away into the inky background. But still, when its there, when i feel a heartache coming, its like a storm. You simply stay indoors, because you are at the mercy of your emotions. You cant pick how you react to circumstances. You just feel. That is the honesty of it. That is the whole double-edged property of it.

I hope that i will be able to take all of this in and turn it into something useful.

"Be loving so that you may meet your Beloved. Remain faithful so that you may know Faith." - Rumi

I’ve searched for you in opaque nightscapes
“Stop looking” I say, when the stars are hidden,
When all I can feel is the smooth darkness,
With no creases, ironed out like
A sheet of paper.

And that is the document of you.
That is the experience. But sometimes
I feel the ghost of you on me,
A gentle reminding breeze to the
Gardens inside my heart
And I ask always, when will I see you.

If you are here, put your arms around me
Whisper to me silently, To let me know
That you are here. That you are free.
And I will ask. I will ask forever :
When will I see you? When will I feel you?

“Later” I say. Tommorow then feels
Like a hollow, wooden promise. Tommorow
Has betrayed me, it has come between us.
It inserts a day and a day more.
And I am arrested by a debt of days.
I throw them away. I do not need them.

I know now that they are irrelevant.
I need you now. I feel you now.
When will I ever, ever see you?

I was going through all the pictures that we had through Ismael's birthday, and letting them sink into my mind. Me and Halima were talking about how we wanted more pics with Ismael, and it was cute, because its like we were all fighting for his attention that night. I totally agreed with Halima. I really wanted more pics with him. But hey, i got some good ones, especially the one i used as my facebook pic. God, i love that pic so much. It makes me realise that i need to take more pictures with just me and Ismael in them so i can kind of look back on it whenever the world doesnt throw me a bone. That might sound selfish, because there's obviously times when i want Ismael all to myself, but i still find it enjoyable when i have to share, because these are people i can trust to make Ismael happy.

I felt kind of lonely that night though. It was missing Shabazz, most definitely. I just felt like he was missing from the entire thing, more than ever. I remember looking at the table and then getting a little depressed, but there will be future opportunities i'm sure.

Minor quibbles aside, i really enjoyed that night. There was a defining moment for me when, Ismael was going through the photobook that Carina gave him. Someone caught it on camera thankfully, but there was this huge, honest grin on my face. It was SO satisfying to see my brother smile and be amazed and shocked at such an amazing present. And then, he turned to the last few pages which were blank and then then i remembered that they were the pages where i was supposed to write a piece on Ismael and where i failed completely to capture it.

I'm still in shock actually. Usually, i have a really clear command on my words and i can make them flow out really easily. And then i sat on the chair for two evenings, staring at a blank page for hours. I couldnt even TRY to type something. I just sat there. Thats what fuckin amazes me even more because, usually i try, and write something crap then delete it, but i tried to "write what ismael means to you" and i was totally at loss for words. I just didnt know where to start.

How can i though? Here is literally someone that isn't perfect and has his faults, but is totally fearless, hands his heart to me, lets me be loved and love him back, fills that empty hole in my heart marked "brother" for me, listens when i need him, someone who has just reminded me what it is to love another human being. How can i possibly even begin to summarise all these little things?

I told Ismael these things, and he looked at me and just put his arm around me lovingly. It was the best feeling of that entire night. My bad week at college just vanished into thin air. Sometimes i feel that Ismael doesn't really understand how much things like that mean to me. Little things like sitting next to me on the table, taking photos with me. Things like this matter to me so much.

Mum understands it though. She looked at me so seriously in the eye when i said i wasnt able to go. She just didnt take no for an answer. I've never seen her so set on making me go somewhere before. But then again, she understands it all really.

I've also realised that i'm a little shy when it comes to Ismael. Like, i may act all mushy and loving to him when he's at my place, but in front of other people i start to shrink. There's times where i do feel like phoning him, but i get afraid that i'll take his time up. And in general, i just feel like i can do so much more, but i just hold back because i'm paranoid. But i need to stop doing that. Ismael knows i mean well, and i'm only going to benefit from just being a bit more open, but i dunno, its hard to open up a bit more sometimes. I guess i'm still new to being openly loving and whatnot. It'll take time.

Human beings are sensitive to colour. Why else do you think we take pleasure in works of art, in the dazzling show of a summer's day, or in the cold, dark blanket of night?

Colours are created when an area rejects all other wavelengths of colour except for the one its showing. So in a way, colours reject everything except what they wish to show. So when we pick a certain colour, we are picking stubbornly. We are picking because that colour represents to us a certain mood, an impulse, a way of thinking. It rejects everything else that we might consider.

My proof is grounded in nature. Venomous creatures often have strong colours painted on their backs to warn other predators that they are lethal. Colour is even existant in our psychology. Certain colours are picked by people with similar traits. Colour psychology does absolutely exist. Colours affect our moods, they make our world interesting and alive.

I look at all this and my brain gives a reassuring electric jolt. It agrees.

So, what colour exists for me? What colour is in my soul? I dont feel it, if it is there.

Urdu:
Mera ji hai jab tak teri justju hai,
Zabaan jab talak hai yehi guftgoo hai.
Kiya sair ham ne gulzaar-e-duniya,
Gul-e-dosti mein ajab rang-o-boo hai.
Tamanna hai teri agar hai tamanna,
Teri aarzoo hai, agar aarzoo hai.
Nazar mere dil ki pari Dard kis par,
Jidhar dekhta hun wohi rubroo hai.
Tamanna hai teri agar hai tamanna,
Teri aarzoo hai, agar aarzoo hai.

English:
Your quest alone is my objective
As long as I have a tongue, it is this of which I speak
Much I have traveled in the garden of this world
What color and scent I have discovered in this flower of love?
It is you I yearn for, if I yearn at all
It is you I wish for, if I wish at all
Who else can my eyes befall upon
When wherever I look it is him I see before me
It is you I yearn for, if I yearn at all
It is you I wish for, if I wish at all

*Sigh* Niyaz's music is so spiritual. So touching. It goes deep within, i dunno, makes you feel closer to God somehow.