We're heading to Qatar to visit my dad tommorow. I absolutely love airports, they are like a transition between two worlds. The space in between, where everybody meets in the middle. You see people from all over the world. I almost wish i could jump on all different planes to visit all the different countries.

 

It makes me remind of what im leaving behind in london. We're only going for 10 days but i still feel that way. All my memories....so many....so many feelings. Sometimes i try to string them up in a single line, trace my finger along the different time phases. Where i laughed, where i cried, where i was reborn, where i realised. And that line of memory, as i trace it up to the present, suddenly fades away and disappears. I cant feel anything significant. I cant note anything in my memory because each day is the same. Its like i died, but my body lives on. I lost the will to live, but im still alive.

 

Its difficult, as an artist, as a dreamer, as a poet - to really find your place in this world. The world was never so bent on capitalism like this. We live in a society where the rich get richer, and the poor stay poor. As an artist, our position in the world was never to compete and make the most money - it was to humbly survive and enjoy our precious life moments. But when you place someone like that, in a capitalist society, we die. We wilt. A beautiful flower has been placed in the wrong soil.

 

Its this im struggling with. In all fairness and honesty, i wish i could write. I wish i could make a living from writing. But my parents dont hear any of it. What if im no good? What if the fat cats in the buisness suits dont approve? Its all so scary and daunting.

 

Having said all these truths and axioms, i cant escape. Im chained to my parents and my family, who are determined every bit to live life out like this. I have a younger sister. My parents are getting old. And im only getting older. I have to support everyone. Let alone summon the will to support myself. Despite everything i am, everything i have been, every definition - all of this means nothing. If i dont like working my way up society, well thats tough, because its not just for me, other people need my support too. So what do i do?

 

I want to hold that emotion in my hand when we come back to london. When i land back here. I want to capture it in a bottle and remember it forever. That feeling, of inevitability, that feeling of acceptance and resignation to your fate. Your duty. Our opinions, our dreams, our emotions dont mean squat to this world, or even your own family. Your duty is your life. Its your responsibility. I have to tackle this. I have to end this and become one again, no matter how much it hurts.

 

Never forget the beautiful flower. It was once beautiful, it was once dazzling, but now it sheds its petals and surrenders itself to the soil its buried in. A soil made of money.