Ah, it was a great little gathering. The whole thing was planned and executed by shabazz, (quite masterfully i must add), and it was within a little Caribbean restaurant along Chalk Farm Road, in the heart of camden. Everything went quite smoothly, and it was great having everyone turn up in the end. The food was something i wasnt really in the mood for (besides, it was so incredibly expensive) but im glad the others enjoyed it.

It was one of those meetings where, everyone is comfortable with each other, and we all get a fair share or "exposure" to one another. Speaking of exposure, im so jealous of Carina's SLR camera! The whole time she had it, i kept thinking of photography ideas, it was like my old little photography phase was coming back for an evening. We took some really great shots, though im having a lot of trouble receiving them from carina since they're such a high resolution (and therefore high file size).

And Osman? Man, never seen the guy so cheerful in my life. This past year, Osman's been caked with this thin layer of darkness and sense of foreboding. It truly made me feel uncomfortable, not too much to actually change the way i treat him, no, i'd never go that far, but just the atmosphere. Something sinister. But on that day? It was like nothing ever happened. I felt like he was a kid again, and it was really beautiful. Its really beautiful to know that when you think that you are alone in this world, all of a sudden a bunch of people come around you and let you know that they love you, it feels so satisfying. What can i say? The whole time i was happy, so happy that he felt so much better. Because, we ....as a group of friends and brothers, we have come such a long way. We may have not achieved much, but we have been trying to learn the lessons that adults know and inscribe those into our hearts and forget the childish, boyish inclinations and focus on what is truly important. Looking back on our years, i felt like we have come a long way. I was proud, very proud. Proud enough to hope...no...believe in a better future for us. Because it had to come, it really had to. We were such bad people, such bad brothers, bad children, bad individuals. It really shocks me, how much bad karma we attracted to our lives, but that day, getting together, and feeling good from just being with each other, i really felt like good karma was being bestowed us. All thanks to God.

I also had someone else on my mind recently. Two people to be exact. I'll get to the second person later, but for the first one.

I was really getting worried when Ismael called me at the jazz cafe and then carried on listening to slipknot and actually liked Tool's Ticks and Leeches. I really figured something was wrong. It really tugged at my heart hard, and i told myself off for caring too much, because its dangerous. I dunno, that boy.....sometimes, i just wanna grab him and hug him. I have had the earliest, and closest childhood relationship with him out of everyone, and naturally i feel very close to him, though he might not realise that. Alhamdulliah, i had a fairly stable childhood, but his was fairly turbulent with his parents divorce, i really realise that. What space would a little bookworm child have in a childhood like that? Barely nothing, but that is Okay. But the thing with me was, i was raised around women and girls most of the time. I didnt have a single friend who was a boy, and Ismael filled that space for me, and became something really significant in my life, something like a brother. But God forgive me ....its so bad to think of it like that. Its so selfish. Disrespectful. All i want, is to do the right thing, and give him space, but when he keeps going off and doing stupid things, i want to grab him and say "Stop!" but what authority do i have? Who exactly do i think i am? I am just a grain of sand in the desert. Another thing is that its difficult for me to provide really, direct emotion to him. Its difficult because it makes me feel weak, and vunerable, and i dont want to give off that impression. Partly because of pride, but partly out of respect for retaining a comfortable atmosphere. Also i get paranoid he'll take it the wrong way. Its ironic because ....right now, i think thats what he needs right now. Just one ....random person within his friends circle, saying ....I love you Ishy. You're worth something, dont waste it. And just that would make a difference, but something like that? ...Nah...not destined to come out of my mouth im afraid. Still, i have faith that it'll turn out well. I know it will.

The second person is Tehreem, i really wonder what she's up to nowadays? With Tehreem, its more like curiosity. I always know that she'll be doing something a lot more productive than i will, and its really motivating when i hear of her current efforts, because we both had the same fears about life, the same weaknesses. Its good to know that when she can do it, i feel that i can too. I know, its bad to have it run on someone else, but its not like she's the center of it, its just a little side thing that puts an extra bonus, thats all. It was really funny, when we were in camden market on osman's birthday, and there were some really excellent paintings on the wall, really moody and dreamy, very broad and blurry, and i instantly thought "tehreem" and right that second shabazz says something along the lines of "you know, this so seems like the kind of place tehreem would like!" and tarik agrees and goes "yeah man, what is she doing over there anyway, i swear down she'd be much more successful over here" and shabazz turns his little bitchy eye and goes "yeah, what is she doing in the middle of nowhere, why doesnt she come down here to london where there's actually people?" and both of them look at me pointedly as if im supposed to answer the question addressed to her. Anyhow, it really suprised me, how much a little internet buddy has really permeated our social circle and become something of an urban legend. Even though me and her never really talk on msn like we used to (mainly because she probably has realised the value of time and therefore doesnt waste it on internet chatting), but that is Ok. You know why? Because everything that happened up to this point, is so beautiful, that i swear to god, i feel like it will last forever. Whether if it will or not, time will tell, but right now, at this moment in time, her legacy is what keeps her presence firmly rooted in not only my mind, but the minds of my friends, who havent even spoken to her as much as i have. But gosh, thats so terrible, i make it sound as if she's disappeared the earth totally! No thats not true, i comment on her blog entries, and i know that when there's time, there she'll be on msn and we'll "catch up" *grin* its just a matter of the right time, thats all. Until then, its just a mild, quiet curiosity. :)

As for my life? God, i really look terrible! You know the problem about this house is, we dont have many mirrors. And since im not very self conscious about my looks, the usual quick glance looks acceptable to me, but when your messy appearance is up in people's faces constantly, im sure it really gets under their skin! Even mum goes "you should trim that beard..." and my hair's growing long, i havent bothered to cut it. Its in that annoying stage where its, not quite long, but just past medium. Im beginning to look like a tramp/hippie. It doesnt really bother me of course, but i'll probably get down to looking a little more presentable tommorw morning. (its 4 am right now). I dont really get people like shuaib who are SO conscious about their appearance all the time. *Insert George Eliot quote about "worldy annoyances" over here* Generally, i am trying to get the small things right. Im getting slowly back into my religion again ....i hope i can go further and further each day because i truly believe that once you become spiritual, you lose the ego. And in terms of practicality and material purposes, a lack of ego is so helpful, since you're more willing to try the things you dont like. You know what else is helpful? Some sleep.

.......

.

Candle under a waterfall,
Is where my heart has stayed
Smokeless whispers on the water
Like gold pieces, inlaid

Difficult to discover,
Patience to pursue
Obsessed with looking for each other
An ego shaped in perpetual blue

Because we're stuck, so help is needed
Request for a favour, or perhaps two
But His guidance was initially seeded
I know, I know; Its always You.

Strike a fire in the synapse
To send a signal to this vein
Recovery after total collapse
This lost heart will live again

A single piece of sand, a grain
Insignificance passes over a nod
I smile in knowledge of a name
You know him too; he's called God.

You know, its good to be aware of your computer's health from time to time. But freaking out when any little thing comes up and then asking me to "fix it" is getting TOO FUCKING ANNOYING.

You would think that people would have understood the computer interface (what with it being so tightly integrated into our culture for decades now) but no, no, people are still so fucking naive when it comes to computers and whats even funnier is they never seem to learn, despite all the pitfalls that seems to come across their computers.

There should be a rule for family households. Each household should have one apple mac computer, and then a microsoft windows computer. The apple mac can be for the mindless shit-for-brains pod people who have no idea how to use a computer and keep it safe, and the windows computer can be for all the geeks and computer literate people. If thats what it takes to leave me the fuck alone then so be it.

Its funny, i came into this blog post thinking i would explain why i haven't blogged for so long, only to realise that i already have done so, quite a few times already. I wonder why i have to justify my absence to my blog every single time i abandon it? Really, its amazing how certain people can blog like crazy and update everyday (WITH pictures) and get thousands of hits. Perhaps though, it might be because they've got less distractions.

Now that the bullshit is out of the way. Lets get on with the serious stuff.

But before i begin, i need to make a disclaimer to myself. Everything that's going to come next is purely for therapeutic reasons. The content of my writing isn't going to serve some sort of underlying purpose or be in a greater scheme of something; i am simply writing to really start scraping away at this collective silence and use the writing process as a healing process.

I wanted to talk about running away and escape. It seems to be a very definitive theme in human nature and it is embedded so deeply into each and every one of us. And i dont really mean that in a patronising manner, because i believe escape is really just a part of a human being.

Well, how so? The answer is spare time. "Hobbies" or the ever popular "What do you do in your spare time" question. I mean we all have a main focus in our life, but we're not so perfect that we can fully focus on that pathway without taking a break. Where we take our breaks and relax is essentially escape. Just like sleep for example.

So where does my attack lead from here? What im focusing and exploring right now is the idea of when humans cant let go of escape. I mean we've all done it at some point in time, some have moved on, others havent, others keep trying.

It boils down to the love of the immediate. The love of right now. I want it, now, i want it right now, and i dont care what happens as long as i get my fix in this point in time. Or so it goes. We're so fixated on the idea of getting, 5, 10 seconds away from our demons that the idea turns into something of a full blown romance. We're in love of the idea that we get to run away from the deep dark masks in the corner and chuck back a grin thinking we have gotten the better of the percieved "objective" evils in this world, when really, we're just fucking ourselves over because that bike we're escaping on is leading us to a grittier, darker place.

All the reason and warning in the world nowadays doesnt seem to stop people from being self destructive. And here is when we come to the heart of the matter......

People are bitter.

We've been "wronged" or "afflicted" in some shape or form by some difficulty and in order to fix up that mess, we need to make sacrifices, but then its percieved to be unfair because we didnt deserve to get whatever happened. In other words, we wanted a lovely, peachy life.

Honestly, people's hearts have turned so cold. Its so cold that it frightens me. It is like, your will to survive and your wishes for  happiness keep shout-shouting at you and you keep going further and further away until there's just silence. Like somebody blindfolded you in the dark.

We're so upset with everything thats gone wrong, that our bitterness of it overrides our will to survive through sacrifice. Thats why we escape, escape, because we are giving ourselves space and time to rebalance the scales of "fairness" and to point the finger at fate and say ....you did me wrong, i want my life back. I want my smile back, i want my happiness back.

So what Fate does is it takes your old life and your old self, and chucks it right past those dark corners of your interior and the only way you're going to get to it is if you walk through them, ignoring any suggestions that come your way, and making sacrifices and compromises in order to regain your old self.

We need to be given hope. Because hope heals better than spite.