I just watched a news report on Pakistan's recent unstable economy. While economic news always interests me, this particular report worried me. There's enough poor people as it is, and somehow its strangely heartbreaking when you hear people talking of their troubles in your own native language.

I really miss Pakistan sometimes.

Whenever im in Pakistan, i truly feel home. I feel more at home over there than i do in my own room, right now. It feels like im just renting this bedroom out and my real bedroom is over there in karachi. I miss the warm weather and the cool air conditioning. The humming fans and the smell of mangoes. Pakistan is always baked in sunlight, with the roads maintaining a Sepia undertone that makes it look like a 1950's filmreel.

And then there's Urdu. Not a lot of people know, but English was originally my second language. I was a full Urdu speaker for around the first 5 years of my life where i decided to switch to English because i was being made fun of outside the home.

Oddly enough, the household decided to follow in my footsteps and my dad was generally more enthusiastic about speaking in English. In order to improve it. He was also planning on going to university, so i suppose that came into it. Of course, given that my dad wasnt really speaking Urdu in the house anymore, my mum followed suit. She was born here in London, so naturally that would be her language of choice.

So whenever im in Pakistan, and everybody around me is talking in this beautiful language. I feel like i am touching on a return to form. I feel traditional. English suddenly feels like this alien, obsolete baggage that i have been carrying around for no good reason. Whenever i spend extended times in Pakistan, my Urdu returns and flourishes (i even start to think in Urdu) and my English suffers. But thats okay.

And then there's the whole religious aspect of it. I am at heart, a very spiritual, religious person, and i feel a connection with the ground beneath me whenever i hear the masjid's call the azaan at prayer time. One of them starts first, and the rest of them follow suit. Like a trail of dominoes. Sometimes i like to think they're racing to see who can sound the azaan first and therefore attract the most muslims. A lot of Pakistani's take it for granted. But i truly love it.

And then there's everyone walking around with shalwar-kameez. I love that as well, but i do think there should be a little variety. I should maybe go around in an arabic thawb and start a new fashion trend. (Did i mention i love wearing a thawb?)

London really drains you sometimes. It has no soul. Everything is multicultural, multi-religious. Multi everything. Sometimes you get so sick and tired of "multi" that you just want something pure and simple, in one shade only. I dont so much as hate foreign cultures, but its just something about this mix of them all at once that makes it seem so tasteless.

A good example would be if you took lots of foods you really liked and decided to mix it all in a blender. Mix strawberries with chocolate and then with some orange juice and rice? You start to see what i mean now?

I realise Pakistan has its dark side too. I mean the crime is just so bad, and there's so many weirdos out there. There's the whole political/economic stability, and the bias towards the rich that makes everything slightly less rosy.

Still i've met a few Pakistani friends and they all seem so educated, cultured and a lot more talented than their London counterparts. Whenever i see Pakistani exchange students here, they are nearly always at the top of the class and they go on to become very successful. They just seem to have a sense of discipline in their lives that the surroundings had previously fostered in them.

We're going to Qatar soon, and while it may not be Pakistan, i'll still be a little closer to it. But of course, Qatar has its own little charm. It might not surpass Pakistan's (infact it doesnt come close) but more on that later.

*5 mins later*

So in a dramatic change of mode, i decided to actually get up and do something about feeling shit.

I went downstairs and thought it was one of those times where i'd make a hot chocolate. Its quite funny because hot chocolate has become something of a trademark. Halima's living with us - and ever since that evening where me and sidra and halima went downstairs for a hot chocolate and talked for hours (obviously my idea) - she's been constantly making hot chocolate like mad. Which is a good thing of course because we get to use the milk up really fast (we have too many bottles).

Its a bit different with me though. I use hot chocolates very sparingly. Hot chocolate to me is a very, very special thing. Seems stupid doesnt it? I'll tell you the story of how i first discovered it.

We've got to go back a good couple of years. Almost half a decade. Its me, when im in year 6 (thats grade 6 to all you snotty american-english users) and we're on a camping trip.

This was a really big thing for me. The reason why is because my parents never ever let me go on trips or the sort. I guess they were protective. But my sister was born recently so they had sort of loosened their grip on the leash (because they had something new to worry about) and i managed to go in this trip.

This was the first time in my entire life that i had also slept under the same area as someone other than my family. This was the first time i was sleeping with friends. I was incredibly excited.

It was midnight. I could see my friends sleeping soundly. I felt very happy. Like it was creating some sort of peace. My insomniac tendencies can be traced even as far back as then, so i couldnt sleep. I couldnt hear anything. No sounds of the city. There were no cars, no planes, no faint hints of the road. It felt totally boundless. I couldnt see anything too. Besides a few lights in the distance, some faint traces of humanity.

I heard some voices talking, it was most of my teachers and a few students. They had a campfire set up nearby. I decided to go out and follow the glint of that golden glow. I sat down and my teachers said "oh hi there adnaan, would you like to share this little midnight moment with us?" and i was like yeah ok sure.

It was also extremely cold. Maybe around 2 or 3 degrees. I had come in my sleeping bag, so i looked like some kind of weird worm. Everyone was roasting marshmellows over the fire.

My teacher asked me, "would you like a hot chocolate?" - it had the word "chocolate" in it, so i couldnt say no. She heated it up in a little saucepan and handed it to me in a little plastic cup.

I took one sip and it was like the entire warmth of that drink just spread through my body. I was really suffering from the cold so that was the best thing at that point in time.

That was my first hot chocolate - and that was the best one. Out of all the ones i've drunk, nothing comes close to that one. I suspect my teacher had actually melted piece of chocolate into the milk. But it was also the surroundings that made the drink enjoyable. The campfire, my classmates talking in hushed whispers, out of love and care to not wake their friends up. The teachers talking about serious matters. The crackling of the campfire, and the way the embers just rose up like glitter. It was magical.

I went back to the tent with that warm fuzzy feeling and slept like a baby. *smile*

Everytime i have a hot chocolate, it is to relive that moment. A hot chocolate for me, is something i use when my surroundings are just like that campfire. Dark, and cold. I use it sparingly, because when you use something too much, it loses its magic. And looking down at my empty mug, i certaintly feel a lot better :D.

I keep worrying about Ismael. Its hard to not think of him because his sister is living with us and thats like serving as a constant reminder. Whenever im out of the house, then i seem to forget about the Madden family completely. But when im in this house, and Halima's here, going around, doing her stuff. I always think of Ismael. Always. Because when we were growing up, it was usually me, Ismael and Halima. All 3 of us used to play together - or we were just slumped together because we were more or less in the same age group. So when Halima's here, its like Ismael is the missing ingredient.

He's come down with a stomach "bug" as he puts it, and apparently he's been in bed all day. Just thinking about that makes my heart feel heavy. I wish he was here, maybe for a few minutes. I'd probably serve a hot chocolate.

Its half 4 in the morning.

I am tired, dizzy and sick. My nose is blocked, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I cant go to sleep and my bed is too warm. I literally feel like shit.

I just want a warm hot chocolate or a scented candle or a warm bubble bath or a friendly cuddle.

The light was slowly colouring the room. Someone must have been adjusting some sort of dial. Turning it up, slowly, gradually, more and more, as dawn approached. It was silent, like the world had forgotten how to speak. It was more pleasant that way since early mornings seemed to be the time where happiness was at its highest.

The view outside the window was a pretty picture. The artist had forgotten to sign his name on the bottom right hand corner of the window frame - perhaps expecting the work to speak for itself as it changed mood, colour, tone as the day passed on by.

I think losing time is one of the worst feelings in the world! I just went back to Civilsation IV, a PC Strategy game where you create an empire and advance it through time. The really interesting dynamic in this game is that you start as lowly cavemen and slowly build your empire up to modern day standards with nuclear weapons and advanced technology.

Its twisted even more with the fact that other world leaders around you will create their own empires, and then you can open trade routes and negotiate deals with them for resources, technology, and so forth. You can even declare war and capture their territory, or if you're smart, manipulate allied countries to declare war on their enemies and then reap the benefits from the warfield.

Sounds good right? A bit too good.

This game, is fucking addictive.

I just spent 5 hours advancing my empire, and i didnt even realise time had passed on. When i looked at the clock i immediately closed the game, but by then the time had already gone. I was planning to get some exercise done and study for my driving theory test (and perhaps work a bit more on the writing project) but now im never getting those 5 hours back! Its left a sour taste in my mouth and im really irritable and .....

o shit. I just realised there's some food in the kitchen, probably burning by now. GOD THIS DAY IS SO BAD.

*runs to the kitchen*

Its generally easier to get along with people when you both agree on something. And the more you agree, the smoother things are going to go along. Right?

If thats the case, then i've had some very interesting reminders lately. I mean, throughout your life, its not like everyone around you is going to agree with you on everything, and sometimes those people are very close! Like friends or family.

The real test, as some people would have it, is having the strength to agree to disagree. Now, while thats certainly a good way to approach it, why not take that line of thought even further to the next step?

How about, completely throwing away self opinion? Easier said than done of course i mean, there's just some things you just have to have an opnion on, and that cant be helped; but generally its possible to reduce the amount of situations in one's life where you can have an opinon.

My thoughts on opinions overtime have somewhat polarised. From being something of a necesscity to really a luxury. What do i want to eat for dinner, what colour shall i wear today, what music shall i listen to, what do i think of this person, ....does it all really matter, doesnt all of this seem irrelevant?

I guess what im trying to say is that opinions are a liability. Its like taking care of a kid, and when you have too many, on too many issues, things get really hectic and warped. I try to keep my opinions on things that are really universal and eternal. Like, God, Morality, Practicality, Politics. But as for the rest of the stuff, i really could do away with.

So im conducting a test. I will try to go on as long as possibile without having an opinion on things. I'll refrain from using "i think" from now on, unless its completely nessecary, otherwise, i'll remain neutral in everything. Its things like these that make you realise why minimimalist art movements are so popular nowadays.