Tehreem got into an arguement with her parents again. Its scary. Brings me back to the times when i was in arguements with my own parents. She had her computer confiscated, and her mobile so that means i wont be seeing her online for a while now. I kind of lapsed into this period of deep thought, deep recollection of my past times, and i was just reminding myself of how stubborn i was.

 

She just surrendered.

Her will finally gave way, and i was really....i dont know, frustrated. If i was in that position, i would've gone all the way, but i think there's a lot of tiny details and subtle things about her i havent really caught onto yet. But thats okay. And then i started visualising all the ways i would've dealt with the situation. I would've been aggressive, dominant, and stubborn.

 

Shabazz gave his opinion on this stubborn trait of mine, essentially it was negative, and i think thats a fair point. Its almost childish. He mentioned the fact that you have to take abuse from the system in order to manipulate it, and that my stubborn attitude, my inability to integrate, prevents me from moving on and just...evolving i guess.

 

My mind leads me back to bjork's "undo"

 

You're trying too hard.

 

Unfold.

 

Unfold in a generous way.

 

Im done now, y'know. Im going to be 18 this year.....an adult. My face is getting older, im getting taller, i think its just time for me to give up now....and move on.

 

I read a a bit of existentialism theory. The idea that we are thrown into this existance, without choice, and essentially the purpose of existance is....to exist.It toys with the ancient grecian idea that purpose dictated existance, totally flips it around. You embrace everything that existance throws your way, and you create your own existance, not some predefined purpose.  Rationality is not the essence of truth, but feeling and honesty is. Sarte said rationality is a lie that people make up to deal with the anxiety of being thrown into an existance that you had no choosing of. I like that a lot.