I've made 5 batches of these now, and it is simply gorgeous. The first 2 batches failed miserably and the other 3 (particularly the one before last) were absolute masterpieces. I've stolen the recipe from Nigella Lawson's latest book, Nigella Express, and here is my personal rundown of the recipe with my own style comments xD

Ingredients :

150g of plain flour
50g of cocoa
75g of brown sugar
50g of white caster sugar
125g of butter
1 egg, cold from the fridge
150g of dark chocolate, minimum 70% cocoa solids
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1 teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda
2 bags of chocolate chips or 3 chocolate bars

Step 1 : Start by weighing out the dry ingredients, the flour, cocoa, and bicarbonate of soda all go in one big bowl.

Step 2 : Melt the chocolate by microwave or simmering it in a heatproof bowl over boiling water.

Step 3 : Cream the butters and the sugars in a seperate bowl. The brown sugar is to give the cookies a nice fudgy texture. You can use an automatic mixer, or if you're poor like me, you can melt then in the microwave and then wait for them to cool down. Make sure they're mixed together quite well.

Step 4 : You've now got a seductive, dark pool of melted chocolate. Take a moment to feast your lusty eyes on that mesmeric lake of dark chocolate. When you're done, add the chocolate into the butter and sugar mix. Mix well.

Step 5 : Add the teaspoon of vanilla extract. This is actually optional, but it gives the cookies a very soft twang of flavour. The difference is subtle, but like all subtle things, they often matter the most.

Step 6 : Crack an egg into the bowl of chocolate and mix. This will turn the mixture slightly sludgy, and is what helps your ingredients stick.

Step 7 : Add the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix vigorously. Try to eliminate the white specks of flour. Eventually your mixture will turn into fudgy, sludgy cookie batter. I KNOW it looks tempting. But try to resist eating it........alright well....maybe just a *little* bite is fine .....

Step 8 : Make sure your cookie batter is slightly warm but NOT hot. We dont want the additional chocolate melting in the batter. While your batter is on the side, open your chocolate chips and empty into the batter and mix. If you dont have chocolate chips, then you can simply take 3 normal sized chocolate bars, and put them in a freezer bag and bash them with a rolling pin until they're small enough for cookies. DONT grind them into dust though. The great thing about using bars is it allows customisation. Bounty cookies, Malteaser cookies, White chocolate cookies, the world's your oyster. Be careful when adding popular chocolate bars though, this may decrease the availability of your cookies by 90% when people keep stealing them.

Step 9 : Using an ice cream scoop (or anything similar) scoop out 12 equal sized amounts onto a baking tray. This recipe gives 12 exactly, with a little cookie batter left for nibbling. Its important you dont place them too close to each other, because when baking, these cookies will flatten out into a very flat round shape. If you're friends birthday is coming  up, i suggest you shape the batter into their name, or something sweet like that.

Step 10 : Turn the oven on at 150 degrees celsius, and place the cookies inside. Leave to bake for 18 minutes. Come back to check to make sure the cookies havent touched each other. You can tell when they are ready when the surface is slightly hard and the inside is soft and fluffy. Since they're brown, its easier to burn them (i learnt this the hard way) so pay attention to the colour particularly if it gets darker. When ready, simply take them out, and leave to cool for 5-10 mins. The best thing about this is the smell of freshly baked cookies travels through the house, an excellent guest charmer if i do say so myself.

So thats about it! You can stash them straight in the freezer to allow them to harden, or eat them fresh out of the oven. I prefer to eat half, and then store the other half in the freezer for emergencies.

So, what about the taste? The best way to describe these cookies is RICH. If you're a chocaholic, you'll be floored by these. Those that are not particularly enthusiastic about chocolate should, 1. Piss off, 2. Not bother with the cookies. The flavour isnt so rich that its bitter (like dark chocolate) but its somewhere exactly in the middle. These cookies are simply pure self indulgence. And thats how cookies should be. For extra seduction, dip them in milk or mix them into vanilla ice cream. What i love about these cookies is that they are hard around the edges, but because of the shape, towards the middle they get very fluffy and fudgy. When most people think "cookie" you'd think hard cookies in a packet, but no, this is just cookie batter, pretending to be cookies. Its the perfect excuse to devour obscene amounts of chocolate (half a kilo to be exact) without looking weird. This is comfort food at its best.

I had a very weird, long dream last night. It was sentimental at times, but very scary at other times.

----

Im at Sudbury Hill station, waiting for the train. But instead of the platforms being level, they're raised up. So essentially when the train arrives, you have to roll down the hill to actually get inside.

Im holding a broken gibson les paul guitar. It doesnt seem to bother me, but im holding it rather symbolically. The platform has been split into boys and girls. I cant tell who the boys are with me, but i can see Sidra, Tehreem and Shumyila in the distance. They all ask me about the broken guitar.

"Its not working actually. Its broken. Its no big deal."

"How'd you break it?"

"I dont actually know. Anyway here comes the train. Why dont i just toss this guitar in the bushes i mean its not like its any use to anyone"

"Yeah why dont you do that. Hey be careful when you're rolling down to catch the train - make sure you dont bash into the train"

"Yeah i'll be careful!" And i toss the gibson into the bushes and it lands with a dull thud.

Im inside the train now. I cant really sense too many people around me. Im sitting next to Hassan Wakeel. He looks older, my memories of him seem outdated in front of this new, updated version. He starts talking, i dont really know what about. He's wearing his sunglasses, and his mouth keeps moving and i can catch bits of pieces of what he's saying. He seems like he's trying to help me or comfort me somehow. I can feel myself getting sucked into a false sense of euphoria. "He's helping me" i tell myself, "He's being so nice" and i keep on thinking. I get the urge to just put my arm around him and bring him closer, and then in the distance i can see shabazz's glaring at me, shaking his head.

And then i stop. "This is familiar to me" i think. I feel like bringing him closer like that would damage me somehow. I suddenly feel distrust. I feel im retreating into my shell, i can hear bjork's pagan poetry in the background telling me to keep myself to myself.

I sit opposite Hassan instead. My mind's clear now. I dont feel the need to attach myself to him anylonger. The train moves underwater and we're apparently going to cross the channel tunnel and head into france. I feel the need to tell Hassan how it all works.

"You see the channel tunnel, its all underwater, and it goes directly to france from london. As a result, we spend a long, long time inside the tunnel. All around you its very dark, and you're going deeper and deeper at a very fast speed, and you actually wonder "just how long is it going to take to get to the light at the end of the tunnel?" and your curiosity keeps on going as fast as the train. You actually lose your sense of travel, because now you cant tell how fast the train is moving from the window. You almost feel like you have disappeared from reality for a brief moment. But dont worry, the journey in the tunnel is only about 10 mins. When you come out into france, you'll feel refreshed."

He nods and seems to know what im talking about. We're about to head into the tunnel and i suddenly clamp my hands around my ears to ease the underwater pressure (i dont actually know if this works, but this is what i did in the dream) and then i have a vision of many multicoloured streaks passing along my passenger seat and i close my eyes, taking it in.

We arrive at a french station, i cant remember the name though. It oddly resembles Baker Street station though. But im sure its french from seeing all the french text all over the place. Hassan's disappeared, so i explore the station. I come across a cafe, and Sidra's inside, looking at all sorts of different cakes.

"Do you want something Adnaan?" and i refuse politely. She seems to ignore this and goes round, and says "give me 2 of these chocolate crepes please" (in urdu) and the french woman seems to understand her urdu and starts preparing them.

I move to the back and Shumyila's there. I realise this whole time i've been holding a book in my hand. Its War and Peace by Tolstoy. I say to Shumyila

"Hey. Look what i've been reading." and i show her the book.

"Oh, my god, i LOVE that book!" And she starts going on and on about how she loves Tolstoy. While she's talking, i notice something weird happening. Her face starts looking more doll-like, with the layers of makeup actually increasing. Her eyes are slowly turning red. I get really afraid all of a sudden, i feel like im talking to the devil, or something satantic. Out of fear i wave goodbye and then run out.

Im looking for the exit now, and i can hear Tehreem telling me "dont go in, there's a leper man trying to ask people for charity" and i thank her for the warning and go in anyway to see what the fuss is all about.

I go in and there's a man dressed in a brown trenchcoat. His skin is grey and charcoal black. It looks terrifying. He keeps chasing me and asking me in a high pitched voice to donate money, and i dont say anything, instead trying to look for the exit. I finally find it, and head up the escalators with shabazz behind me.

At the top, there's a sign in japanese that reads " <---- Exit : Kurakawa " and i say to shabazz, lets take this exit.

We get out of the exit and all of a sudden we're in tokyo. I scream like an excited schoolgirl and say to shabazz "OMG WE'RE IN TOKYO" and we run out in the main street with an amazing excitement. And then, i wake up.

I've come back to my blog after a long, long time. There's a couple of reasons for that, and i wanted to iron these out for myself in order to get back into the rhythm of posting now and again.

Lately, i havent really had much going on in my life. Nothing really exciting or engaging or constructive. Time and time again, by friends, family, strangers, and even myself - im reminded that this is indeed my fault - but the point of the matter is this; if you have nothing to live for, you have nothing to write for.

Following that along, lately my emotions have been strewn around the place like cheap party decorations, long after the party's over. And although i thought i would never break my blog rules, i've broken one of them.

I've been reminded that my blog does indeed have readers (although i can probably count them on my hand) and i've been i guess, withholding, or censoring my thoughts in order to fit the demographic of this blog's audience. This of course, goes against what i made this blog for in the first place, and generally goes against my beliefs about expression. It should be genuine, free from influence of any sort.

So the question comes as to .....what exactly is there to censor? The answer is easy : the same old shit more or less. If i was to honestly speak my mind on this blog for what has happened in the past few months, i'd get a few scoffs hurled my way and be told off for keeping my blog's content mostly negative.

But then, since day 1, this blog has always been about me. Its always been a selfish thing, thats what i intended. But the minute i got readers; its almost as if i sold the rights to this blog and allowed people to bark me around and tell me what i can and cant write.

People's feedback is always welcomed, no matter what it is, but i dont think its very fair to expect me to follow everyone's train of thought and bow down to their demands, leaving me out of the picture.

I've realised now that, its people's nature to pick and choose the elements they like leave the bits they dont. I personally pick out the vegetables in my food, so i can understand where these people are coming from. Its only human to be fussy, especially if you're browsing blogs in your own free time and leisure, then i dont think people want to waste time reading depressing shit when they could check other things out.

But if people want to pick and choose what they like about this blog, then thats their problem, and i have to stop trying to make it my problem, because it really isnt. All my job as a writer is, express myself and as long as my heart goes into the content of the writing, whether that be negative of positive, then im willing to let it out into the wild (the internet) and what people think from that point onwards isnt my buisness.

So after that lengthy disclaimer ....lets go onto what i've been feeling lately.

***

Power thinking

Coming close to summer, in this time period is always a great time. The weather has been consistently beautiful, which is rare for London. The summer always brings so many opportunities for freedom and play, and i truly look forward to all the times ahead.

Things in the house havent been going so well however. My sister's lack of manners/help earned her a slap around the face by my mum today, which is pretty unprecedented. To think that she's actually gotten so bad where we need to go to this extreme extent to only just barely control her manners is pretty scary.

The situation with the Madden family continues to twist and turn and entangle itself around our guessing instincts. Whats happening in the immediate future, where she'll go, all of this is uncertain. Its pretty unnerving.

And of course, my mum being the biggest of the stress factors. Her stress seems to overflow and seep into the very pores of this household, affecting the house's energy. Perhaps its the fact that she's growing older, but i cant help but feel like mum is a broken person now. Broken people no longer have a choice or an ability to affect their surroundings because they have fallen so strongly into bad habits, that it defines their very lifestyle. And the older you are, the harder it is to break free.

But wait a minute! I can hear a distant screech, a sly tongue whispering in my ear.

"But dont be silly Hamshira, people always have a choice to change their lives at any given moment, all you've got to do is view things positively, set your priorities, and move on forward without making excuses!"

I call this mode of thinking "Power Thinking". Power thinking applies very well to everyone in general, even me, and in general it is a no-nonsense, incredibly reliable way to view life and to get things done. I know people who swear by this type of creed, and they're very productive people.

The problem with Power thinking is that it ignores basic human nature. The basic underlying truth with this type of thinking is that, we as humans have free will and have the power to use it at any time, regardless of any external influence whatsoever. In other words, we're robots.

Power thinking doesnt apply to one very specific type of human. Thats right - Broken People.

It has been about, 15 years, and the situation with my mum hasnt changed. She's still overweight, overworked, overstressed and never really truly happy. I always feel like every moment of her day is a compromise. There's no sense of a wholesome, noticeable satisfaction and happiness. She's always ready to settle for scraps of happiness that she finds here and there, when her son greets her, when her daughter cries and when her family rely on her.

Power thinking ignores one of the most basic principles of human behaviour - that we're people of patterns. If we indulge in something that we know is going to cause a repeating behaviour or emotion, and we keep heading in that direction - ignoring all the warning signs - then eventually we hit a point of no return.

When you're middle aged, you have kids, you barely have free time to relax and get minimal sleep, along with a declining health, diet and sleeping patterns, honestly really - what kind of resolution can you pull from a lifestyle like that? I want any of these Power thinkers to pull me a miracle and grow a vinery in the middle of the desert with no rain or water. Because thats exactly whats happening right now.

The only way to break out of the vicious cycle is to slam on the breaks and just STOP. Just stop, take a look at your surroundings from an outside perspective, reassess, and then go back with different habits and resolutions. But there's got to be an underlying moment of compassion - where we stop fighting with life, and fate, and social systems and where we're given a break to actually be ourselves without having to recraft ourselves everyday like playschool putty. That is what she needs and deserves. A break.

***