I've got to be honest. Im not a fan of extravagance. Ahmed Tawil told me over the phone "the beauty of life is in its simplicity" and ever since that phone call, which was a very long time ago, that idiom stuck in my head. When it comes to anything, be it food, music, art, or any kind of interaction, im really into things that are subtle and minimalistic. Photography is like that too, which is why im drawn a lot to it. I think when you look at a picture, its message can be very subtle. Its subtle because it evades simple explanation. If you want to explain it, you have to dig deep.

I think in general i just appreciate things in life when they are smaller, easier to chew, and hidden from view. I think the best explanation is with my friends. The bonds we have, and the affection we have towards each other is very subtle and shy. If i ever got into an accident (god forbid) then my friends would be there to support me because they care. But its only when we have out of the ordinary situations where those affections and emotions rise to the surface briefly. But i love it when its secret. There's a certain aura of mystique when trust is in the air, and you know it, and they know it.

I have learnt to incorporate this into my lifestyle too. I truly and honestly believe that the tiny little things in life is exactly what creates it. A neat bed means good sleep. Good sleep means a good waking up. A good breakfast helps you throughout the day. I could be doing some really big things in the day, but its those things that precede it that really do make my day.

Dont you just love it when you get it right? *smile* I think thats one of the most rewarding things ever. I live on that. I think that feeling cannot be matched. I could entertain myself all day, with the cutting edge technology consoles at my fingertips, or have the internet at my command, or the most eloquent book, but nothing.....nothing compares to the feeling of having a nice, good day. Where by your own effort, you make things go right. *grin*

Im actually getting quite worried over how obsessive im getting over this band. I mean sure, there's probably people out there worse who obsess over the actual band members (worshipping them and whatnot) i'd say that im pretty damn obsessed over their music.

I still remember how i used to listen to it all day, a few years ago. Its been so so long that i've listened to them now, and their songs havent gotten old one bit. They still retain their sheen and amaze me everytime. So, after much thought about this (no seriously, i really really thought about this hard) i've decided on my favourite Tool song. Out of ALL of them. I've listened to most of them (except for a few opiate and undertow tracks but im not missing much) and though i love them all, i think i've definitely reached a consensus on which one is my favourite. A lot of people i know dont really have a favourite, because as far as Tool goes, most of their songs are masterpieces and its too difficult to choose between them all. Well, i used to be like that. USED to.

Well, my favourite Tool song of all time, is ......................... :.....

H.

Yep. H. Its just a single letter title, but the song is just so...mindblowing. Track 3 on aenima.

There is something so secret about this song, there is just something underneath it, i cant exactly pinpoint it. I dont really know exactly, to the teeth, why i like this song. There's just so many qualities, i could take loads of guesses. But those guesses would keep coming. Each reason i'd make for liking this song would sound as good as the last one. Much like Tool songs, i cant really pick my favourite reason for liking H. (ironic eh?).

There are times in our lives when we are happy beyond belief, when a huge strain is relieved off us. When we are enlightened from that experience and become better people. These times, they have an impact on everything you do. People get wiser. When you've learnt a lesson off something, and you see something that comes up in life later that relates to what you had learnt so harshly in your life previously, you cant help but feel proud. Or happy. All the positive feeling in the world.

But there are also times when the world is crashing on you, when it is on your shoulders. When nothing goes right, and you travel from the next mucky cesspit of human degenerate emotions to the next. When the darkness seems to rub off you, when it becomes a stain that just wont wash off, no matter what you do, and everyday in your life, you feel that you are carrying part of this darkness, hidden deep inside your heart, and its there. Its just a part of you.

H. to me, as a song, is all of these things. It has these dark, but uplifting qualities about it. To me, the way this song sounds, i feel like it represents the world. Thats really stretching it far isnt it? But i remember the Tool interviews i watched, when the band said that they want people to listen with their heart. Maynard said that the sounds came first before the lyrics. He listens to the instrumental version, and then writes and sings the lyrics after. There is just something in its sound, its composition, the way it relates to your heart, that makes you feel like this. Well, makes ME feel like this.

I mean, take for example, the intro. It sounds messy, murky, like its spilling all over the place. Its like when you hit the strings on a guitar when every dial is on full blast and the murky dark sound just resonates and seems to continue forever and ever. I love the way the distortion just carries on, and it doesnt stop, that intro just sticks in your head. You know that song as soon as you hear the intro. And straight after the distortion.....it slowly lapses down.....the bass comes up, almost sounding like a guitar....breaks into a riff....the bass almost sounds like its submerged underwater....and then the drums slowly creep up....everything happens slowly. So so gently. I mean its a complete contrast to the intro! Most rock song's you'd think would break into some sort of heavy riff....but no....not with Tool.....it creeps like a spider.

And then maynard's voice. His voice.....is just....so spine tingling. It really creeps into your soul. It sounds like a little child's voice.....almost. I always sing along to it. Always. When his voice gently trembles....it just relaxes you. But then he says..."and i feel this coming over like a storm again....considerately" BAMMMMMM ...(the distortion suddenly comes in).....*SCREEECH*....(adam jones scratching against the guitar).......then back to the gentle tone.

In H. , there is always a switching between gentle to rough. I feel like the world is like this too. When i listen to this song, i can feel reality. I feel the world. I feel its sharp claws, ripping me up......but another gentle pair of hands....repairing me back together again....telling me its going to be alright, but then you get tossed into another dark mess.

I guess i feel confused about what maynard is singing about. Not about the subject matter, but why he chooses to sing it the way he does. Ok. The subject matter.

The song title H. , indicated by its dot, shows that its an initial. Maynard's second name is Herbert. But wait, he's not singing about himself, because he mentions another entity. A "you". "I am too connected to you." ......"days away i still feel you touching me, changing me, and considerately changing me", So after a shitload of research, im just going to summarise everything i learnt on the background (context) of this song.

When maynard was a kid, his stepfather raped him. That experience was so traumatising, that it ended up creating a nearly two decade period of anger for maynard. Opiate, and Undertow were very dark albums. It was about anger. That experience changed him a lot. It turned his sexual preferences topsy turvy. The song H., refers to his son. The H. initial is directed to his song. Through the abuse of his stepfather, for some odd reason, which maynard doesnt know, he wants to hurt or harm his son and those close to him. Whether this hurt is sexual or physical i dont know. But the fact that the cycle of abuse behaviour is repeating itself is what is bothering maynard. The "snake" in the song is this temptation, this abusive cycle of behaviour. Though his stepfather is long out of his life.......days away, he can still feel him touching him, changing him, and considerately killing him. This is all just poetic of course, but the fact that the core, centralised theme of H., is that someone, or something, is still clinging on to you, either physically or by way of influence (patterns of behaviour) and that contact is destroying you slowly. Because that is the price you paid for knowing someone like that. For feeling the way you did about them. You pay these prices.

So why does he sing about it in such a smooth and seductive voice. Why does his voice sound calming....and relaxing....when the subject matter is so dense, and horrific?

I think you can learn a lot about how people feel about a particular song by going on youtube and reading their comments. Reading the comments on H. is a really interesting experience. They argue over the song's supposed true meaning. One person argues that H. stands for Heroin and the song is about addiction to drugs. Lots of people say different things about this song, yet they all seem to connect and relate to the general theme of it. Thats just the magic of Tool. I think this is why this song earns the top place in my heart.

Because i know that, whatever bad times happen, whatever old ghosts, or nostalgic memories come up to knock on my doorstep, i will have to look back at the times where i turned my back. Where all the old Adnaan's died, and where the present Adnaan is standing now. They might depress me a little and set me back, but i look to the future. I look at all the opportunities that may come my way. And i cant help but manage a wry smile, undeneath all the pain and sadness. Because those are the times that i have died ....and all those times that i will die. Because its alright. I dont mind.

I dont mind.

Not a lot of people know im a chronic insomniac, and now that the damage has actually gotten so bad (my right eye is bloodshot. One eye looks white while the other is filled with red veins) i've started to delve more into my insomnia. Understanding its voice, its persona, its signals. I already know why its here, thats not the issue. The objective at hand is to re-inform myself about my insomnia so much so that is pisses me off enough for me to actually do something about it.

So what does insomnia feel like?

Its quite simple really, i guess the short explanation would be similar to leaving a car's engine on while the car is fully parked. You know the engine's still on because the car hums, it does things. You know its busy. The same can be said about your mind. I dont really understand how most people just lie into bed and sleep easy. I've had problems with insomnia even since i was a little kid (before all the bullshit in my life) its just sometimes, events and circumstances amplify its effects.

When most people lie down and sleep, they naturally and normally relax. With me, i will go on a bed, and it will be no different as if i was standing up. My mind still flickers with thoughts, and those thoughts are completely and utterly random. They could be anxities, they could be happy memories, they could be familiar music, or simple imagination wandering; *what* im thinking about isnt the issue, its the fact that i keep continually doing so that i stay awake. Also your body gets very fidgety. You cant stay in one position for too long.

Time passes by, very, very slowly. It feels like 30 mins have passed and i look up at the clock and only 5 mins have gone by. Its because you're waiting. You're in bed, thinking "oh right, anytime now, i'll just fall asleep naturally like any normal person" its only when an hour passes by when you start to think otherwise. And then once that has gone, you begin counting out the hours in your head. If this conintues, i could be here for xyz amount of hours, just staring at the wall.

Eventually your whole body gets sluggish. There is a difference between being tired and being relaxed (although the line is very thin) and insomnia is the former. You FEEL very very tired, like you want to just nod off to sleep, but your mind isnt letting you. You stay like that yawning and yawning and stretching, even if you pick up a book or watch a movie, you cant concentrate on it , because your mind is in a very borderline state. Its like if you were about to fall off a cliff, but you were just balancing on the edge. About to fall, and about to come back up. Right in the middle.

Eventually you reach something which i call "burnout" which means you just pass out from exhaustion. This has happened a few times on a sofa, on the floor, and on the bed. Its usually when the sun is rising and you realise you've been up the whole night, the whole horror of which just depresses you and actually helps you to relax....out of frustration.

I've realised (even though tonight is an insomniac night) that it takes EFFORT to relax. Relax isnt just relaxing. Relaxing is not equal to doing nothing and waiting. Its an actual process (at least for me) where you have to let go and just put your body and mind on standby. And this is the perfect time for me to cut-and-paste my favourite part of Yoga : The Shavasana. The dead man's pose.

Shavasana: shavasan is that yogic posture practicing which one is able to still his hyper active brain, control thought process by gaining absolute control over one's breathing, it requires stillness of the body. No tension ... Absolute Calm.Shavasana is best practiced in early morning hours before getting up from the bed or in the night while going to sleep. One can always by practicing shavasana make his body go to deep sleep enabling atman the soul within to play its part.Shava asana is a pose to be practiced whenever body is under tension. Shavasana completely releases all tensions within the body giving the body a new vigor. One must daily practice shavasana posture. It not only helps elevate one on Spiritual plane but also improves the quality of Daily Life.

In short, shavasana is simply a posture where you just lie down, arms outstretched, and breathing properly. You have to LET. GO. Of everything.

I actually pulled it off once. It felt really unreal. I lost all sensation of the room, of the floor beneath me. Random itches and body pains came to me, but i instantly let go. When my back pain came, i just dismissed the pain, and im not joking, it felt like an electrical current sensation, no more. I've never actually controlled pain that way. Not only that, my breathing became deep, my noses clear, i couldnt feel my body anymore.

Im gonna try it again. To get some sleep at least before sunrise.