Today i bled a box
I lined it with silence
And a thin, snake-like ribbon
Into a knot of voodoo
Can you feel this?

I am imitating pulses
History is lying
Right beneath the skins
Of my previous hearts
The sounds of discord scream
Can you feel it?

My hand is gripping
White porcelain
I am extracting, i am giving away
All of it now. I give the box.
Do you feel it now?
Do you feel the box?

"Remember that when you are headed on a train of thoughts that leads you to a place where the screaming is unbearable.....madness is the emergency exit. You can close up all thoughts and memories of that place, forever."

I was recently asked what my favourite Tool song was. I gave my answer, which was H. of course; but the expected answer was Lateralus. That song is more spiritual, more closer to the soul if you will.

I guess the real answer as to why i like that song over Lateralus is purely because i can relate to its sound more. Sound is a higher form of language. The screeching, dark, pervasive sound of H. really appeals to me a lot. I feel like it sums me up.

I stopped for a moment and thought about what i was saying. Was i freely admitting that there was something wrong? That i found comfort and sanctuary in such dark, and gritty places? Does my obsession with Heath Ledger's Joker play into this?

The answer was Yes to all of these questions. It was an honest yes.

The thing is, i love my life and i wouldnt ever swap it for anyone else's, but i'm not a kid anymore and i've grown up somewhat. Sometimes you've got to toughen up in order to deal with the obstacles life throws you. I feel like my heart has hardened.

Sometimes it feels like someone just sucked all the soul out of me with a pipe. When i was younger, life was all about the people around me, and all i ever needed was them (and all we needed was each other) and i was happy. But now, its just not so simple anymore. I need ambitions, i need selfish goals, i need security. These are all nessecary things, but i feel like its in a violation of my romantic spirit in where the innocence, the purity and the simplicity of a childish life has been lost.

I feel it in other people too. Just having each other isnt enough anymore. I've got to really cooperate with some people, fullfill roles, make music, listen with my heart. Sometimes people just know you, or talk to you, because you're there. Their heart lies in a place thats far, far away from you, and it'll never be shared because its meant for something or someone else. Sometimes i feel cheated because i'm not as significant to people as i used to be because now they've got other things around them to worry about.

Also sometimes i feel mismatched. There's people that i wish i could be there for, yet they never need my help; and there's places where i really need to rely on someone, to talk to someone, and yet time and place never matches things up for me.

I feel like i cant be close to anyone anymore. When i mean "close" i mean that we literally share lives. I realise that what i have been looking for is truly beyond friendship. And my life is at a point where, anything beyond friendship is far, far off. You cant even think on that level.

I initially started thinking of friendship as this truly amazing tool, or passageway to heal wounds, to lead to a better, positive place. And yet, there's so many mistakes and wounds that (myself included) we create, that only we can fix, and that no friend can ever heal. The whole romantic, emotional idea of how i defined friendship suddenly was undermined by the individualism of life. I've been forced to redefine what friendship really means to me. If we've gotten to the point where we cant heal each other, where we cant affect each other - in other words, we desensitize to each other, why do we even bother? Why push for such a high, idealistic view of friendship when reality is far from the case? Maybe "what friends are for" is just simple companionship.

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Youth is so simple and straightforward you know? But as time goes on, things complicate. You get boxed in with your own problems. You cant connect to anyone on a sentimental level anymore. It's a lonely, yet necessary truth. And it makes me bitter.

Tool was recently announced to be part of the next Guitar Hero game. They will even have their own arena which the co-band supposedly helped design with their signature art style. I mean really, i dont understand the people crying "sell out" and Tool being hypocrites because at the end of the day, its more exposure for them.

They know more than anyone else that their time is going to be up soon. Tool isnt going to last forever. As much as i'd like it to, i know the end is coming soon. I knew it straight from when i heard 10,000 days, that i felt strongly that the next Tool album would be the last.

Honestly, i'm really happy to see them in Guitar Hero because it just signals more exposure. I was surprised how much Santana became well known just because one of his songs was in Guitar Hero 3. I really hope it becomes the same with Tool. I really want Tool to be recognized as this generation's Led Zeppelin. They are truly, truly legendary and they deserve a spot in the mainstream murmurs of musical legends.

I was reading a PDF file on Tool that i stumbled on today. It was done by another Tool fan, and he had written up literary interpretations on both AEnima and Lateralus. Of course, me being the crazed fan that i am, i already knew most of the references and points he was making while i was reading it. But i think one area where he really shined was while he was explaining 46 and 2. He went more in depth about Carl Jung's ideas about the Shadow.

He was talking about the ego being the self that we are conscious of and that we define ourselves as. The self is everything that we choose to define about ourselves. "I am a person that likes XYZ" and so and so forth. That was pretty rudimentary and i think anyone would have a solid understanding on that.

Where it got really interesting is where he talked about the Shadow. The Shadow is the non-ego. It is the non-self. It is everything about ourselves that we despise. Because you see, a lot of the time we choose to define ourselves based on what we think we are. But Jung points out that you are just as equally defined by what you are not. The Shadow represents this. It is everything that we feel that we are not. It is the sum of all the parts of ourselves that we despise, that we are afraid to become. And that this being is a part of you. Hence your Shadow.

Wherever light shines, shadow will always be there to shade things in. That is why when you walk in the sun, your shadow will always be behind you, and it will always follow you and be a part of you. And as much as you want to believe that your own body that you feel in the sunlight is the only relevant truth, the reality is that both are equally as important, both are the truth.

That's why its important to realise the things about yourself that you despise, that you fear and to deal with them accordingly. It's no use denying any of that, because it'll follow you forever. People who deny their dark side often fall victim to it, not really realising that its a vital part of them.

The light at the end of the tunnel is by coming to terms with your Shadow. Knowing what it is, what it does. Knowing what you're capable of. And then, the next step is to stop it from taking control. It's making a conscious choice, and thats where the difference between light and dark lies. Consciousness is the line between the two.

To me at least, it feels like it's been a long time since i've really written an introspective post. I guess i've written so much about it that writing new material on it never really seems fresh anymore. But, as times go on, new experiences, new sensations can make you return to familiar ground in order to view it in a new light. In a new angle. Because really, i've never been a big fan of repeating myself. I'm pretty sure i do it anyway, but as long as i feel as if i'm approaching things from a different angle, i can talk about it at length.

On going out yesterday and the day before, i had many reminders, many hints on just how much i dont really get along with myself. It was the first time i had properly ventured out into London ever since coming from Doha and the difference was so stark and so noticeable. I felt actual nausea (which explains the previous blog post before this one) and i just cant exactly place my finger on one particular thing.

First off, the pollution. The air felt thick with all sorts of poisonous gases and i live in a very green area, where there is plenty of trees around (and hardly any cars), so the air around here is very fresh. When you wake up in the morning and go outside you can smell it instantly. Similarly, when you go outside into the main city, the difference in the air quality is like day and night. I felt on the verge of puking, but because i was fasting and didnt have anything in my stomach anyway, nothing came up. Luckily. Sometimes i just wonder how we really live in such a polluted enviroment. I've never really been an enviromentalist, (though we place particular emphasis on energy and recycling at home) but i just dont think you have to be an enviromentalist to really notice the quality of bad air and sometimes how it can affect you.

Its just one of those things that you just shrug your shoulders and accept with passivity, because its beyond your control. At best, you can avoid driving a car and get around by bike, or train, or walking. But this only does so much. I'm sure in time, i'll get used to the polluted vapors of the London city air, but right now its really choking and sickening.

Another thing i noticed was just flesh. I was so used to people dressing modestly in the middle east, and then letting that fade into the background so that when i came back to London, suddenly seeing this flesh everywhere just made me sick again. And the trouble is, there's a big fat contradiction in this.

I mean, i know myself really well. I'm human like anyone else, and if you see someone really pretty, of course you're going to cast a lusty or longing gaze. This is just something that we do, as humans. It's something that we cant escape because its part of our nature. But its something that actually sickens me. That actually makes me feel totally dirty and worthless. And yet, its something that feels totally natural.

How can something that sickens you to your very core be something that is the fabric of your very being? How can you hate something so much, yet when it comes down to the situation, you become something else entirely? Why is human nature so contradictory?

And the more i thought about it, the more i realised that there are so many things that i hate about myself, so many things i do that i despise, but i do anyway because it seems instinctive, impulsive. Natural. I love being lazy for example. Yet, its something i despise so much in my heart. And yet, the sensation of total relaxation and sloth is something that is so intoxicating.

The physical is doing one thing, and yet the mental thinks something else. Both seem so totally real, so which one is the truth? They say actions are the best measure of someone's character, but yet when you can feel the regret, the hate, the pure self loathing come through, and that in itself is so overpowering, how do you know which one to believe?

I had been walking for ages, in a barren landscape. I simply awoke, and found myself here. I didn't know where i came from, why i was here, or where i was going. I saw the road ahead of me, and walked. The sun was forever hidden from view. It peeked out from the low mountains in the distant horizon. The warmth was so far. The light, forever censored. I walked to the horizon. I walked where my wanderlust took me.

"All i want to do is clutch the horizon. All i want to do is find the sun. I want to feel its warmth on my dying skin. I want to shy my eyes away from its light. I want to feel sad when i see my shadow on the dusty ground, with no other shadows for company."

I found an abandoned theme park. I could see the ferris wheel, towering over everything else. As still as a gargoyle. The mess and variety of the other rides could be seen, lightly spread over the theme park like a crowd of people, waiting for something exciting to happen.

I took small steps. I could feel my hands loosen, my fingers spread out from their clenched state. I relaxed, and breathed in the air of the theme park. Such a sweet perfume. The smell of sugary treats, of delight and wonder, the smell of happiness and of mossy grass; and above all, the heavy smell of time, clenching its thick, oily film of age over all the sensation, making it nostalgic and dusty.

I saw a pink, jolly elephant holding the "Welcome!" sign in his hands. The rust had settled over him, making him slightly brown. The rust was everywhere. The ferris wheel groaned and creaked in the strong wind. Its colour dulled over the years, the rust and age taking over. Making it sing.

I heard laughter. It was the laughter full of purpose, full of energy. Laughs of innocence. I could see the ghosts of young children, running around, playing and climbing all the structures they could find. I moved closer to the ghosts of these children and sat down at a bench near the merry-go-round.

"Hey Mister! Mister!"

They come running to me. I saw the trail of ghostly frost that wisped, that trailed behind their ghostly feet like smoke.

"Mister, come and sit with us on the merry-go-round! Come on Mister, it'll be fun!"

"I cant, dont you know? I'm too big to fit on there now. Why dont all of you go on yourselves and show me how to do it?"

They smiled and ran to the fairytale creatures awaiting them on the merry-go-round. One of them called out to me. 

"Mister, come here! Look at my horsie! He rides so fast, he's always smiling!"

I walked up to the child from far away, riding on the horse. The horse had a cartoony grin attached to its face. Its white, plastic teeth chipped away by age and damage. The horse didnt seem to mind, and retained its clown-like grin.

"I love my horsie......he always smiles for me. Dont you see it Mister?"

"Yeah....i see it."

"Thats why i cant let him go. I love this horsie more than all the other ones on the merry-go-round!"

I smiled and watched them for a while. The sky never changed once. The sun remained indescisive, casting a gentle, subtle shadow over the theme park. I watched this scene with a heavy heart. Something about this peace moved pieces within me.

I walked onwards, putting it behind me. I found a small, insignificant building made of stone with a single entry. The walls made of sandstone. The wind blew the grains of sand over the top, making them trickle down the walls. It looked like a minute waterfall.

I walked inside. Feeling the floor descend below me. I walked downwards in a gentle slope. I could feel fireflies buzzing by my ear, lighting the way. The end of the passage was dominated by a turquoise, dreamy light. I could see faint traces of glitter, of shimmers in the air. Faeries maybe.

The fireflies led me to a campfire. The flame burned gently and gracefully. I sat there for a long time. Watching the flames. Watching the faeries pass by me, glittering and flitting around, decorating the surroundings. I could hear the laughter of the children in the distance, echoing down the stairs, sweetening my ears.

The room had a passage that seemed to lead deeper into the theme park. When the fireflies passed me by, they offered glimpses into the passage, revealing old utility rooms, blackened posters on the walls, and then disappearing into the darkness as they further moved down the hall.

I stood up and walked down the passage. It began to move uphill, and a musty, gentle breeze came from within, as if the building was wheezing out all its dust, all its memories. I took a look at some of the posters on the wall. They were crudely made with crayons, and the paper was often frayed and tattered on the edges. It was just barely managing to stick on the wall. A few posters fell and floated to the floor gently as i passed them by.

I passed many, many rooms. Sometimes the door, or the gentle glow of light in the cracks would prompt my curiosity. I felt like opening many of these doors, just to see what was inside. "Just a peek" i said. But the depth, mazelike structure of the theme park's undercurrents kept pulling me further along. It was like when i had began walking; i couldnt claim to know anything other than my yearning to find. To find a treasure, to find something that can mean something to me. That is true treasure.

The passage widened, the light filtered through all the orfices and deep cracks in the structure of the building. I could see a lot better. At the end of the passage, i saw the entrance to a huge room. It was lit with the colour of sunset. I could hear the sound of cicada's, and crickets in the distance. I saw a woman standing in the middle of the room, with a long, scarlet and black robe.

I walked up to her slowly. I tried not to startle her. She seemed familiar. She knew i was in the room, and slowly turned around to see me. She looked at me with such deep, sad eyes, but yet i saw something else besides that too. I couldnt pin it down.

"So, you finally found this place....after all." she said.

"Where are we?" i asked.

"So you really dont remember me, or this place, do you?" she asked me this very directly. She spoke very cautiously, like she was stepping through a room full of broken glass.

"You seem familiar" i replied.

"Familiar ....." she let the word resonate around the room. She let out a sigh. "I see."

She walked around the room. I saw the children near the back of the room. They were so hidden from view that if she hadnt walked towards them, i wouldnt have noticed them.

"This place....was a place that me and you ran together a very long time ago. I realize now that you're beyond remembering anything now. But this is where you sat." She pointed to a spot near the window, where you could oversee the theme park and its rides. It felt familiar, now that she mentioned it.

"The theme park was alive, the lights glowed and the rides were busy. It wasnt always like this."

I turned to her. "What happened?"

She looked at the ground for a while. And then she looked up and then at me firmly.

"You grew up."

I stood there, slightly confused. "What is she trying to say?" i asked myself.

"I see by the look on your face you still dont understand how this place works. Let me tell you."

The fireflies's light died down, the glitter slowly evaporated from the air.

"This place, requires childhood, and innocence for it to work properly. We keep the children here, we entertain them and we make them happy. It's a place of dreams. That is, as far as i know, the purpose of this place. But this place exists somewhere seperate. This isnt our true home. Me and you came from somewhere else. But we found this place, and we created it together."

"Where? Where did i come from?" i asked suddenly. I was desperate to know all of a sudden.

"I dont know. Me and you come from different places. Dont you feel it through?" A firefly rested on her finger "Dont you feel the magnetic force of your home, your true place, tugging at your heart, pulling its strings and making sweet, sad music?"

She was silent for a while. The building made incoherent sounds while we didnt speak. The children had ran off somewhere. It was a penetrating, still silence.

"It's my mistake too." I looked at her in surprise. "I grew up too. I guess both of us didnt realize what happened when we took our attention off from this place. That is why, the rust, the age has taken over this place." She pointed outside the window. I had felt this too. The theme park was something that was falling apart, that was abandoned, and didnt have much time left anyway.

There were fewer children in the park now. They had suddenly disappeared.

"This place, is dying. It's fading away. Me and you are going to go back where we came from, and this place will be no more. All that will be left is the fragile memory. You've forgotten me, and you've forgotten what i meant to you, but i don't want you to forget the feeling, the tone of this place. Because it's important. It's important for both of us, to have the dreams, to have the etheral, to touch something fragile. That is what this place is."

She got up and walked past me. She stopped for a while and hesitated.

"And dont forget, that i was fragile too."

She walked past me and i closed my eyes. I remembered now. But it was soon forgotten, when i opened my eyes, and found myself in a new world.